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https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/21449f2e-4e06-4dd4-aaed-2f7d85e9b52a/ZN+Title.png Tales https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/98e52930-319d-4ad3-8f1c-f2d18e1c231d/QM+Page+title.png Tales https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/3e7b5346-0d6e-4b84-a027-e3565ccbcedb/SS+Title.png Tales https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/0a45a54e-3c42-40ab-b118-3e9cba82d8b9/AW+Title+new.png Tales https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/3fe3939c-d1fd-41f2-8459-bd128d49a44f/QT+Title.png Tales https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/713b726b-5338-4ba9-bcdb-ab13df7da67a/Leaky+Kegs+title.png Tales https://www.stillysterribledrawntales.co.uk/tales/project-six-h8cjs monthly 0.5 2020-07-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594930413770-C5WLOK65UP101Z6G8U42/OA+Title+Page.png Tales - The Oratario Amusia - The Oratario Amusia A story for anyone who has yearned to join in, despite their talent. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595084242287-D4U7ZRR8W09GH4MSHHH9/OA+Page+1.png Tales - The Oratario Amusia - Lucy Louise Lucinda McConnock Played the gong in the Leeds Philharmonic; A post she received through persistence and will And not by hard practice or patience or skill; But let’s not judge her too early or test her Until we learn how she joined the orchestra. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595084382853-KPWY9O40E0R0VY26QTOD/OA+Page+2.png Tales - The Oratario Amusia - For from a young age Lucy liked making noises - Or what she called songs - in deafening voices. Whatever the object she’d find in a room She could not wait to break out into tune, Or out of tune which was more often the case Yes, she could be heard anytime anyplace. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595084631823-GIZKWFR13EIW34J5F3P4/OA+Page+3.png Tales - The Oratario Amusia - With no thought for rhythm, beat or for key She wailed and played like a tone-deaf banshee. Never patient enough to learn the right tune She’d make her own up and forget that as soon And just when you’d thought that she surely must pause Then Lucy would give half a dozen encores. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595084761271-KAKI7S6F2KTR7KPVPHJR/OA+Page+4.png Tales - The Oratario Amusia - When she took lessons to learn the recorder The teacher did try, but Lucy ignored her. No music, just squeaking, no song, just a shout. She made her teachers back fillings fall out And instead of playing the “White Cliffs of Dover” She made the school hamster fall into a coma. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595084886519-HUST307IA00PZ6EZNNBZ/OA+Page+5.png Tales - The Oratario Amusia - No not for a moment could Lucy stay static Her finger taps jarred and hums were erratic Even her snores had irregular beats. Her sneezes were flat as hospital sheets. On one fateful day when young Lucy tried busking The feedback was “awful” and “foul” and “disgusting”. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595084963196-E0ZQS1S9IBBRKKRU9OAS/OA+Page+6.png Tales - The Oratario Amusia - But unmoved by critics she sought a career In bands, groups and choirs, she searched far and near, But auditions fail if you can’t sing Or follow the music and just make a din. And her dream job, the one that obsessed her, Was Lucy’s desire to join an orchestra. https://www.stillysterribledrawntales.co.uk/tales/project-five-jzj6j monthly 0.5 2020-07-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595082355641-8WM86KLAA80OOFIO4W30/Leaky+Kegs+title.png Tales - The Leaky Kegs - The Leaky Kegs A tale of family ties, set inside a Yorkshire pub. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595082685337-7L4FG97SLMYQGCJNU6C5/Leaky+Kegs+Pic+1.png Tales - The Leaky Kegs - The pub landlord thumbed through his dictionary To improve his work elocution. His eyes began gleaming at alcohol’s meaning When he read that it is a solution https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595082903573-WGHH7UU4K3M06UUFQGGG/Leaky+Kegs+Pic+2.png Tales - The Leaky Kegs - When in walked a fella, an old Yorkshire lad With his cap all down damp from the rain, But guided by radar, he soon found the bar And studied the beers name by name. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595083015449-VQ0NYUTUI5NRQP4LTJ9X/Leaky+Kegs+Pic+3.png Tales - The Leaky Kegs - “What’s it to be?” asked the landlord at last. “We’ve many a fine ale to taste. Wheatley’s Best Bitter, or Cantley Brain Splitter, Or lager if you’ve money to waste. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595083439677-XYQHF4E0RDX915BADWQF/Leaky+Kegs+Pic+4.png Tales - The Leaky Kegs - We’ve got Carpenter’s Thumb, or Bawtry Blackout And special is Geoffrey‘s Desire.” The old bloke expressed, “Three Pints of Best,” And went off to sit by the fire. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595083720446-B2KR9IMPSSMBSGFB9NKZ/Leaky+Kegs+Pic+5.png Tales - The Leaky Kegs - The Landlord poured out the three pints with skill And served them within easy reach But fairly near shook, as the old chap took A lingering sip out of each. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595083684459-B4FPKYMDWSZMTAZVE3VP/Leaky+Kegs+Pic+6ai.png Tales - The Leaky Kegs - “Forgive my intrusion” the landlord he coughed “I don’t want to ruin your sesh, But drinkers like I’m, like one pint at a time; It’s better when drunken up fresh.” https://www.stillysterribledrawntales.co.uk/tales/project-four-mppcp monthly 0.5 2020-07-16 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594927558331-Z8ORMEE9UMY1PQWLZ0UG/Chintz+Front.png Tales - The Chintz Biopsy - The Chintz Biopsy A Non-Phonetic Alphabet Book which also includes a useful guide on “How to Annoy Nuisance Phone Callers.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594928028729-RAJ2YT38IONJNHLPX3P5/Chintz+Biopsy+2.png Tales - The Chintz Biopsy - To practice your letters So late in the night Would make quite a racket My dear little mite So now I will teach you For worse or for better Those words where you don’t Pronounce the first letter. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594928268601-078CXXVDRFFMH7GNN6EO/Chintz+Biopsy+3A.png Tales - The Chintz Biopsy - A is for aubergine - ‘Cause it starts with an O There’s not an O in it And that’s how you know https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594928496005-VOU53VLCI4AX2PXKK9B6/Screenshot+2020-07-16+at+20.39.50.png Tales - The Chintz Biopsy - I is for Irksome - A thing that annoys. Like the I within business Which too makes no noise. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594928741140-BURHD171IWWSFWAPLN04/Screenshot+2020-07-16+at+20.39.03.png Tales - The Chintz Biopsy - L is for llama - Because as it’s reckoned The first L is silent; Or is it the second? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594929147483-S3MCYNH0J5UDMGU52W5O/Screenshot+2020-07-16+at+20.50.13.png Tales - The Chintz Biopsy - T is tsunami - A threat from the sea And listen in castle For the same silent T. https://www.stillysterribledrawntales.co.uk/tales/project-three-ccx6a monthly 0.5 2020-07-18 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594925077533-PFRUJ0BW6H3PMIXWZ22A/The+Ninth+Illusion+Front.png Tales - The Ninth Illusion - The Ninth Illusion A tale of Black Magic going horribly wrong when it goes horribly right. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594925273681-HA3TFBZV5447N5YVN67X/The+Ninth+Illusion+Pic+1.png Tales - The Ninth Illusion - The Great Splendido sat in cuffs inside the holding cell As Sergeant Ingrams read his file and muttered, “Chuffin’ Hell.” The arrest was made at ten o’clock just half an hour before To stop a railway suicide (which was against the law). https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594925470337-4MJHFE0S4W9FNO7YYBKG/The+Ninth+Illusion+Pic+2.png Tales - The Ninth Illusion - “Why is the prisoner in cuffs?” the Sergeant asked the guards. “He’s hiding items up his sleeves and wants us to pick cards. There’s evil cunning in his eye. He doesn’t look too sane. Wearing a top hat and cloak and bullfighting a train.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594925580988-Y9ZL010I75T1GCC0NV92/The+Ninth+Illusion+Pic+3.png Tales - The Ninth Illusion - The Sergeant pressed the tape machine and tapped the microphone. “Please state your name, and date of birth, and where you call your home.” “I am the Great Splendido!” he screamed a mighty boom. “Third of May. Aged 22. The Exotic Pet Shop’s spare room. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594925696372-LNQFXN6XIOTUC77QYSEY/The+Ninth+Illusion+Pic+4.png Tales - The Ninth Illusion - “What’s a young man dressed up for in Jack the Ripper attire? Are you really suicidal, or just a train-spotting vampire?” “I am the Great Splendido,” he repeated mournfully, “And sad to say, I must confess, Black Magic has cursed me.” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594925933575-SX4MXUVY32A3VVKFZWBP/The+Ninth+Illusion+Pic+7.png Tales - The Ninth Illusion - “You see when I was just a lad for my tenth birthday party My parents hired a magician, the Amazing Moriarty. Now he was old and past his prime, not in the finest health, But since no other children came, I had him to myself. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594926091483-P9FLTCYOVG6G5R5SB2FJ/The+Ninth+Illusion+Pic+10.png Tales - The Ninth Illusion - “My levitations wouldn’t lift. My watches all stayed smashed. My doves all flew for moments before back to earth they crashed. My metal rings would not connect, my escape act was inhibited, And as for sawing Gran in half … let’s say success was limited. https://www.stillysterribledrawntales.co.uk/tales/project-two-kk87y monthly 0.5 2020-07-18 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594922403600-OJNMYBL2F7K1P7TYV7AL/WP+-+Title.png Tales - The Wickersely Pie - The Wickersley Pie A story of domestic disaster, and set within the Yorkshire Pie Triangle of Bramley, Dalton and (of course) Wickersley. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594922474556-DA2HH2MW2LLUN6ENLBGT/WP+-+Page+1.png Tales - The Wickersely Pie - The greengrocer muttered, then tuttered, then uttered, “A half dozen turkey eggs, a pumpkin degutted, Rhubarb, and damson jam, some fresh elderberries, Cinnamon splinters, and wild sweetheart cherries, Rose water, spelt flour, five cardamon roots, Strawbinis and goat curd, a ripe ginger breadfruit, And one jar of organic sweet chestnut honey.” Then he looked up and laughed (as he totted the money) At the not-hidden ladies behind his tin cans, Who whispered and scribbled their ill-gotten plans; Desperate to learn what went into the recipe, Every ingredient, every necessity, Known only to Mrs Claire Manly-Brightthighes, The world’s only maker of Wickersely Pies. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594922725446-RHUA9U2T3776USMNEEWR/WP+-+Page+2.png Tales - The Wickersely Pie - As she paid and collected the recipe order Mrs Manly-Brightthighes saw the Mayor’s youngest daughter Who was hiding her face in this months ‘Country Life’, With Edna O’Grady the pub landlord’s wife Miss Worth and Miss Birch (the equestrian team) She greeted them each with an all-knowing gleam And reminded them all of the upcoming fete, The Pet show, Tombola, Hook-a-duck, Guess-the-Weight, And the bakery auction, most important indeed, All proceeds to raise funds for Badgers in Need. This year she was baking her Wickersley Pie, The recipe passed on by her forebears gone by. With a smile and a nod she made her departures And home just in time to tune in to The Archers. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594923565168-AVQHMP8UD4XO4WTXD30D/WP+-+Page+3.png Tales - The Wickersely Pie - Oh That Wickersley Pie! Oh that Wickersley Pie! The envy and toast of the W.I. A fragrance your nose simply ached to invite in, And sweet spicy fruit for your tongue to delight in. A crust, oh, so light that it barely felt swallowed. A crispy cooked base so firm and marshmallowed. With cream or with custard or just eaten alone. Instructions so secret, that the curtains were drawn. For five days of steeping and peeling and chilling, Claire set to work on the pastry and filling. Everything weighed out and measured so perfectly. No room for error or actions unfurtively. ‘Til out of the oven all steaming and brown She rested the Wickersley Pie to cool down. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594923632266-7VUEMCLIEABVGYPEFFSG/WP+-+Page+4.png Tales - The Wickersely Pie - When just at that moment the doorbell went ringing; Claire’s initial hunch was a suspicious feeling. For spies had their methods by lens and wiretap And even pushed periscopes through the cat flap. Pious house callers with Watchtowers to sell Could really be buggers - cordon bleu infidels! With curtains, blinds, cat flap and all locks assured Claire answered the front door with both latch chains secured, But somehow completely forgot about Daniel Her constantly greedy and daft Cocker Spaniel, Who smelled a pie smell and became overcome And fancied a change from his Pedigree Chum. By the time Claire was back in the kitchen again She found Daniel was covered in warm pie and shame. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594923832694-YWEV656L2XMODVD7GETC/WP+-+Page+5.png Tales - The Wickersely Pie - With a barely hid cry she cleaned up the kitchen And calmly went over her options remaining. To make a new pie for the twelve o’clock deadline Would now be impossible due to her canine. Not to enter the auction would leave her bereft. The fruit filling had gone, but some pastry was left. In fact, just enough to make a top crust And thus keeping the secretive contents in trust. Which now would be swapped with ... what could fill the hole? Claire thought for a moment and then chose toilet roll. Whilst cooking she thought as the seconds ticked by No way could she let someone buy this fake pie, But must buy it herself and then remove the proof. She needed some form of disguise, in all truth. https://www.stillysterribledrawntales.co.uk/tales/project-one-3ks7j monthly 0.5 2020-07-19 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594907159376-PY8ULNH83I8HOFGSCTLE/Twisted+Stick+Title.png Tales - The Twisted Stick - The Twisted Stick One of my first stories. A hunchback corners a band of campers with an awful ghost story involving a sinister nun with a secret. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594907573394-3AT0LQPGUOW086W2GQ55/Twisted+Stick+Page+1x.png Tales - The Twisted Stick - ‘Twas the last night in June, a nd under the moon, The fire was fading fast, As each camper told a story of old, Each scarier than the last. One told the yarn of a haunted barn, Which he’d learnt by heart off his gran. Another went pale and recited the tale Of a headless ice-cream man. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594908605214-0936RDE13VM62H2I4YDS/Twisted+Stick+Page+2x.png Tales - The Twisted Stick - As the firelight faded, the stories ‘came jaded, And each were forced to drone On about shocks that they’d read of in books, And off The Twilight Zone. “And just as one was about to go on With a Stephen King that he knew, A voice rang sharp from out of the dark, “What’s next then, Scooby Doo?” https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594908982747-FRXBD0KHJ953PKFT9G7B/Twisted+Stick+Page+3x.png Tales - The Twisted Stick - Then from out of the shadows, towards the saddoes, A hunchback did appear. With eyes that seemed cursed, and breath that seemed worse He screamed at all that would hear, “I’ll tell thee a tale, a terrible tale, Of grief despair and dread. So people beware, it will make all the hairs Stand up on the back of your head". https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594909167152-Y8TRGTL9AVLLB7NOPGWT/Twisted+Stick+Page+4x.png Tales - The Twisted Stick - “I’ll tell thee a tale, a horrible tale, Of dread, despair and grief. So people take heed, it will make your gums bleed All the way to the back of your teeth. I’ll tell thee a tale, a monstrous tale, That’ll scare you to the quick. It’s a tale everyone about a ghostly nun, Who carried a twisted stick. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594909384988-CKI6L59LL7WZMHD78EQI/Twisted+Stick+Page+5x.png Tales - The Twisted Stick - “This tale so it be was first told to me, By a distant friend called Boz, Who was all on his tod, with no home and no job. Homeless and hopeless he was. With no food or heat, he begged on the street, And became a deplorable creature; So much so in fact, that in a desperate act, He became a geography teacher. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1594909738138-ZBNWSBQA1ZHNML6PKPND/Twisted+Stick+Page+7x.png Tales - The Twisted Stick - “By the final school bell, Boz had taught all he could tell About the Tundra and oxbow lakes, The climate of Darwin, arable farming, And how to measure earthquakes. When the last child had gone, and safely alone, Boz dined on sweets confiscated, And then with a mattress, a globe and an atlas, He slept and for morning awaited. https://www.stillysterribledrawntales.co.uk/portfolio-2 daily 0.75 2024-08-23 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595168484262-BBU4YG149B6W8GPZX2U4/Twisted+Stick+Title.png Portfolio 2 24 pages long - £4.00 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595168960084-4CKR83WLGVXCZZBCIIXT/Screenshot+2020-07-19+at+15.28.46.png Portfolio 2 26 pages long - £4.00 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595169096562-CIHD5UZYJJQFEJ2X6BXL/Chintz+Front.png Portfolio 2 32 pages long - £5.00 including p&p https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595169721278-TV4QY7QUM5OS7UI6WZHN/Leaky+Kegs+title.png Portfolio 2 22 pages - £4.00 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5f104f3efe3f1e54eac4467b/1595170198632-C8WNG1GRDTL7BUN3IO9Q/The+Ninth+Illusion+Front.png Portfolio 2 24 pages - £4.00